When You Become A Bad Person

“What happens when trying to follow Jesus turns you into an awful person?” It’s an honest question that came into my mind recently. It was a question born from another disappointing day.

A day when I spoke too harshly to those I love. A day when I was hot and annoyed and impatient.  A day when I wanted to hide inside my house by myself instead of interacting with anyone. A day when I felt sorry for myself and generally ungrateful and really just wanted to

Go. Home.

And then I read this in a blog: What if the men who dropped nets to follow Jesus, became awful people in the process? What if they were more cheerful and less angry when they were just normal fishermen?

Because I dropped nets.  And here I am. And I feel a whole lot awfuler.

And, somehow, I don’t think that’s what following Jesus should look like.  I mean, you step out in love and faith, and it’s supposed to make you a better person, right?  A more loving friend, a better daughter, a gentler soul? But what if your pursuit of the better makes you just worser in the process?

But, then I thought of Peter, and this crappy missionary tasted a small bite of hope. Because this fisherman-turned-disciple seemed like a fairly awful person at times over his three years walking after Jesus.  He spoke too quickly and too harshly, and one time, Jesus himself equated him with Satan {not the best person to be compared to}.  And, at the end, when it really counted, Peter bailed on Jesus completely.  And that all seems pretty awful.

But the hope-part comes when we look into the last half of Peter’s life.  After Jesus had left, this big fisherman became Something Else entirely — inspirational, powerful, better.

And I got to thinking that maybe it’s not that the awful in his life {or in ours} was birthed by the journey away from the docks. Maybe the ugly was always there, but with the heat rising and the comforts being stripped, it just sloshed out more often and in bigger amounts.

And that is most definitely something I can identify with– the ugly spilling out more often and in bigger amounts.

And I don’t have answers {again} except to say that greater awfulness was most definitely not something I expected when trying to follow and obey and love.

But, then again, maybe the greater awful is just a gateway into Something Else.

Too bad it feels like such a stinkin’-long gateway.